**Before I get started here,
please note that this is a personal post. I don't mind sharing but some of you (especially family) may not want to read all the gory details. The TL:DR is this: not being able to
get pregnant when you want to sucks, getting pregnant is terrifying, the assumption of female
identity should not be defined by the ability to procreate. Also, as of writing this addition, we are 12 weeks pregnant so hopefully we're in this for the long haul.**
This
blog post has been a long time in coming. While I want to shout our joyous news
from the rooftops, I recognize that there may be people on here who are
suffering in silence and this post may hurt them. You see, up until recently, I
was one of those people. While I was happy and excited for my friends and
family, I also felt heartbreak, shame, anger, frustration, resentment, and
jealousy. So yes, our news is exciting, but we are not the only people who have gone through this.
Here’s the news: We’re pregnant. As I’m writing this, I’m
about 5 weeks along. The embryo (not even a fetus yet) looks somewhere between
a hollow tube of cells and a tadpole. We are so excited and thrilled – I’m also
terrified of miscarriage risks but so far so good – and we can’t wait to meet
our little one at the end of August/beginning of September.
Our
journey began in October 2013 when we decided that we were ready to not
actively try to get pregnant but not prevent pregnancy either (for anyone who
is thinking about trying this method this is actually called trying to
conceive, whether you intend for it to or not). I had been on birth control
pills for about 10 years so I knew my body would need a while to reset itself.
While Lance was more reserved and wanted to wait longer, I was ready to jump in
with both feet. I knew that on average it took “normal”, healthy couples 4-6
months to conceive and, even you did EVERYTHING right, you only had
about 20% chance of conception each month. Lance thought we’d get pregnant
right away so he wanted to push it back a few months. In November 2013 we had
decided that we were going to actually start trying to conceive.
I
started taking my temperature at the exact same time every morning, which
sucked on weekends because it meant that I was waking up early, I took prenatal
vitamins, I started working out, eating healthier, etc. Everything the internet
and baby books told me to do, I tried. As most of you know, Lance works out of
town a lot. His work schedule would often take him out of town during the
optimum time each month which was insanely frustrating for both of us. Months
went by and every month there was only one lonely line on the pregnancy test.
I’m
going to pause here for a minute because I want people to understand that every
month our hopes would get so high and come crashing down around us. When you’re
trying to conceive there is a time before you ovulate (the follicular phase)
where nothing you do will change the outcome unless you are receiving
additional care from a reproductive endocrinologist or obgyn, then you ovulate
(this is the optimum time), then you enter the luteal phase. The luteal phase
is AWFUL, it consists of two weeks of wondering and hoping. For two weeks some
women act as if they were pregnant, no stinky cheeses or wine, I was one of
those women for the first six months. Implantation usually occurs 7-9 days
after ovulation if you’ve conceived. HCG, the hormone that is detected on
pregnancy tests, will usually start to register a few days later. Obviously,
these are averages not everyone woman will experience the same thing. Every
month I would test until my period showed up. Some months, I would keep testing
anyways *just in case*. This is the kind of insanity that trying to conceive
can bring you to.
Finally,
in July 2014 we got our positive pregnancy test! We were elated. Two days later
I started spotting. I woke up one morning and knew that I wasn’t pregnant
anymore. We went to the doctor who couldn’t see anything on the ultrasound and
sent us to the hospital for beta-HCG tests. Betas are blood tests to determine
how much HCG is in your system. My first beta result: 8. Now, the interesting
thing about betas are that all betas have to start somewhere and they will
almost always do a follow-up beta a few days later. HCG is supposed to double
every 48 hours or so. The wait between the first beta test and the second was
less excruciating than I thought it would be, probably because my initial
number was so low. The second beta came back at a 2, we knew we lost the
embryo.
Most
early miscarriages are the result of chromosomal disorders. However, since I
was tracking my cycle through temperature and other various extreme measures, I
knew that my luteal phase was on the short side. I also tended to spot before
my period. Both of these are signs of progesterone issues. Progesterone is
necessary to support the uterine lining to keep the implanted embryo in place.
Because of my age, 25 at the time, no doctor was willing to touch me for
additional tests until we had be actively trying to conceive for over a year.
This was one of the most frustrating aspects of trying to conceive. I was
tracking my cycle, I had identified the problem, I had had a failed pregnancy,
what the hell were they waiting for?! We were told to wait one cycle and then
start trying again.
Finally,
after another few more months of failed attempts, I got a double line again in
December. The ironic part is that we had been trying to conceive for over a
year at this point so we could go to the doctor for additional testing, which
we had planned on doing in January. I’ve had positive tests for 5 days in a row
now and I still can’t stop peeing on everything just to make sure that this is
a sticky baby. We’ve opted to wait until January for my first appointment so
I’m not worried about betas. I’m trying to enjoy this time while I can, just in
case we lose another one. Luckily, my at-home tests are progressing nicely, so
that is some comfort.
It’s
hard to describe the feelings that go into trying to conceive because it is
such a rollercoaster of emotion. For most people, trying to conceive is a
private event which makes matters worse if it takes a while. Trying to conceive
can be a lonely time in many people’s lives because it’s not something that is
talked about. Miscarriage isn’t talked about openly. This is usually
exacerbated by the incessant asking of others, who don’t know your situation,
about when you’re going to have kids or why you haven’t yet. My excuse was
always that it takes two to make a baby and one of us was always out of town at
the wrong time. This usually made people uncomfortable enough to not ask again
or press the issue. My overall point is that we shouldn’t feel uncomfortable to
share our feelings. Miscarriage shouldn’t have a stigma, a woman’s worth
shouldn’t depend on whether or not she gives half her DNA to an offspring that
she carries for 9 months. I really struggled with my identity as a woman when I
thought about how much trouble we were having to conceive. It’s easier now, but
I really shouldn’t have been so hard on myself. My identity is not correlated
to whether or not I can I house and birth a parasite. We got lucky, some people struggle for years to conceive and have to go through rounds of medical intervention. I am so thankful that we were able to get pregnant when we did because this was the next step for us.
One of
the things that helped keep me sane was online forums. I could go and share my
fears or my anger or my hopes and someone would understanding. Talking about it
helps. If you are reading this and you want to talk, please send me an email or
call or text or Facebook message me. Bottom line: Yes, we are extremely excited
to have this opportunity to be parents and we can’t wait to share all of this
with all of you!
